craving for anhs

the desire to be in anhs is devouring me whole..=(

i would do anything just to go back there..if only i could..

i want to go to anhs..every time i close my eyes, memories flood my mind which makes it hard for me to sleep..tears just flow freely..
this feeling..it's like taking my ife away from me..and it hurts..it really does..it's like im lost in an unknown world because i left the world that i've known..
ugh..i hate this feeling..
i want to go back..
i want to go to anhs..
am i asking too much???..
mga ANHS pipz:
NAIBOG NKO NINYO!!..if only i could be there w/ u..='(
waaaah..avogadro pod bya q!!..[im losing my mind]..x_X

                            

living a new life

it's been months since i last opened my blog here..and the last time i updated it, i was still in a place that i knew so well..a place that i never thought i would leave..not just a place..but a city in a country..a place that i have considered my home for 14 years..

and now, im here in a new place that my eyes have considered as "unknown" before..yes, before..that was 2 months and 3 days ago..i never even imagined this place..but now, all of a sudden, im here!..

i've started living a new life..a life without the people that i've known for years..a life with everything new..and i mean everything..

have u ever been in a dream that seemed so real?..but then, no matter how real that dream seemed to be, u found urself saying, "anytime now, i will wake up"..that is how i feel right now..that all of this is just a simple dream..that any moment now, i would wake up and find myself in my old bed, inside my old room, in our old house..for weeks now, i've been wishing to wake up..but as u can see, i still didnt..

and know what?..when i think about it, i had a life in the Philippines..and i love that life..whenever i stop and think about my previous life, i cant help myself but think "I prefer that life"..honestly, i want that life..i want it back..

i may sound ridiculous to some of u..u may think, "hey, u're in America!..that is what most Filipinos dream nowadays..to be in that land"..trust me, i want to be back where i was..i want to be there than here..

"i want my life back"..

to the people who hate me

hating me wont make u beautiful / handsome..

if u keep on trying to bring me down, well, TRY HARDER..coz no matter what, i'll rise..

insult me..hate me..influence others to dislike me..coz i really dont care anymore..i dont care what u people think..all i care is  what God thinks about me..and im quite confident that i had done  NOTHING wrong..

so, if u're not insane, leave me alone..coz if not, well, dont..u'll just get tired trying to make me fall..

no, this is not a threat..i dont think im giving this as a warning also..im just posting this so u would know that what u're doing is affecting me but i dont mind..so, go on..but if i were u, and if u are in ur right minds, stop what u're doing and mind ur own business..

p.s.

i didnt do anything to u, did i??..i never tried to hurt u in any way..so why are u doing this??..

tears aren't always what they seem

people cry..we all do..when we feel like we've had enough, tears just fall..we cry when we're sad, and we also cry when we're happy..often times, tears flow when melancholy occupies our souls..

a lot of us think that people who cry are weaklings..remember, tears are and will always be our healing aid from all of the hurts and pains that life may slap on us..just let your tears fall, it never was wrong to cry and it never will be..it will relieve and relax you after you have poured your heartaches through your tears..it is better to cry than to hide the pain and act like you are a strong and tough person..we all break down; we all fall; we all are vulnerable deep down inside no matter how tough we may look or act..

pain can be more painful if you hold and hide it..isn't it more wonderful to smile when it isn't just a disguise?..isn't it better to be actually happy and not just act?..you'll see that after you fall and cry, you can start to move on..

tears are like water of renewal..once you let if flow, you feel alright to face the world that made you cry..

so, if you feel that the pain is too much, give up your pride, let your heartaches out, and cry..after doing so, try moving on..life goes forward, not backward..you can never dwell in your past..you still have a future to face..=p ^_^

tired

here i am again..staring into nothingness..thinking of things that even i, myself, won't understand..i've been thinking lately..and i admit it..im tired..of everything..of having to go to school everyday..of trying to comply outputs, requirements, etc..specially in research..but most of all, im tired of someone..no, not that senior guy..i don't know what im talking about..all i know is im tired..as in gikapoy..

l

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tired of seeing him together with her..

tired of smiling for someone who won't notice..

tired of being happy just to cover the sadness..

tired of hoping for something that will never happen..

tired of waiting for someone who won't come..

tired of loving him who would never care..

tired of caring for someone who doesn't even know i exist..

(either nag-emote q or gilaay lng..)

regrets

this is actually not a poem..this is a story that i would like to share to you..


“Les, listen to me. I love you. I always have since I knew you,” Alvin calmly told Leslie this after months of not talking to her.

“After you ignored me for more than 13 months, now you’re telling me this? You’re kidding, right?” Leslie answered in annoyance and disbelief.

“No, I’m not. I thought you were just nothing to me. I thought I could just forget you. But now, I find myself confessing to you.”

Alvin and Leslie were friends. However, they got into a fight and for more than 13 months, they ignored one another whenever they spot each other. They acted like they were strangers even though they knew each other too well. Both acted like this for the same reason. Alvin thought Leslie was in love with another guy and Leslie too, thought Alvin was head over heels for another girl.

“It’s alright. You can stop fooling me now,” sighed Leslie. She thought that Alvin’s words were too good to be true.

 

“Can’t you see? I’m serious,” insisted Alvin.

“How about Karen? How about Jade?” said Leslie as she tried to recall the girls who she suspected as special in Alvin’s heart.

“And what about them? They’re nothing to me. Please, believe me. I swear I’m telling the truth.”

“If what you say is true, then it’s a little late, Al,” said Leslie as she turned away.

“Why? You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” asked Alvin.

“No, I don’t. But Al, I’m dying,” was the reply of the teary-eyed Leslie.

“No, that can’t be. Les, this isn’t a funny joke,” murmured the worried-stricken Alvin as he looked straight in Leslie’s eyes.

“I wish I could just call this a joke. I have brain tumor. It was too late when I found out. The doctors say I could only survive for more or less 2 months,” Leslie said as she burst into tears.

“I’m sure we can find a way for this, Les,” said Alvin, gently wrapping Leslie around his arms.

From that day, Alvin and Leslie became inseparable, except during classes and at home, of course. Whenever they can, they spent time together. They smiled and laughed whenever they were with each other. However, as the days passed, Leslie’s condition grew worse. There was nothing the doctors could do, for it was too late. It would be vital to operate Leslie in her inferior condition.

Two months swiftly went by and it didn’t take long when Alvin found himself in the hospital, sitting beside Leslie’s bed. Uncontrollable tears flowed from his eyes as the clock noisily indicated the loss of time.

“Al, please don’t be sad when I’m gone. I’ll be watching you from above,” Leslie said, trying to reassure Alvin.

“Les, you’re not going anywhere. You’re staying by my side. Promise me you won’t go,” said Alvin as he gently squeezed Leslie’s hands.

“I can’t, Al. Let’s face it. I’m dying. And I’m glad that I spent my last remaining moments with you. You gave me reasons to be more than happy,” said Leslie as a smile etched on her pale, worn-out face.

“Les, I love you. This is my entire fault. If only I told you earlier that I’ve loved you since the start, you wouldn’t have suffered,” said he, declaring his defeat.

“Don’t blame yourself, Al. It’s not your fault. Please do show me a sincere smile,” Leslie whispered as she reached to touch Alvin’s cheek.

Alvin stretched his lips and managed to give Leslie a smile just before her heart had beat its last. Her hand which touched Alvin’s face rapidly fell and her head tilted. Her pulse was gone, heartbeat stopped and breathing ceased. All signs of life were gone. And on that fateful night, Leslie departed peacefully.

    Alvin stared at Leslie’s beautiful and pale face in silence. Silent and hasty tears ran down his cheeks. His warm hands squeezed hers, as if trying to transmit the warmth to her ice-cold body. On that crucial night, Alvin regretted everything. He regretted his ignorance and secretiveness of his feelings towards Leslie..

my classmates were able to read this..and they want a continuation to this story..i'll just try to write one..^_^

my heart and mind say, "SORRY"..

i made a mistake i never thought i could make..i have no idea how on earth it happened..next time i knew, people were staring at me, as if i were a murderer..(well, of course, im NOT)..it happened so fast..now, im left alone, thinking of what happened..

well..do i still have to say that i know i didn't act like a friend?..yes, i do..it's my fault..you wouldn't be angry at me right now if i stood to be a friend in the first place..but please, im asking you to listen to my side..i know you don't want to, but here it goes..

i never wanted or desired to do that to you..NEVER..i thought it was just a nonsense joke so i didn't intend on bothering you about it..i didn't tell you because of a lot of reasons..first, yeah, because i thought it was just nonsense and you wouldn't want to be bothered about it..second, because i was afraid you'd think wrongly of the situation, which would lead to a fight..well, i think i made the situation worse by not telling you, didn't i?..i know it's my fault..the blame is on me..but i do hope you understand some bits of my side..i don't know what else to say..just wanna let you know, i don't want to lose a friend like you..so please accept my apology..

i don't know how you're reacting as you're reading this..but i hope that i made some facts clear..kpoy njud kaau cgeg hilak ui..hahayz..i never thought it could lead to this..

well..that's all i want to say..i do hope you can read this..i've wasted a bucket of tears just because of this issue..hahayz..

 

emotions..

tuesday, Jan. 15, 2007..

i just stared at nothingness as our english teacher was bubbling about things i never paid attention to..rude much?..not really..she wasn't really having a class discussion at that time..well, don't ask me what sorts of things came out of her mouth 'coz i wasn't listening..

but anyway..while the ears of some of my classmates were tyring to listen to our english teacher while trying to keep their eyes open, i wrote stuff..just wanna put them here..i got nothing else to do kc..

"TEARS..can't always express all you feel..but they're the only things you can let out when u're bursting inside.."

"Don't be like a child and wish for things that are beyond reality..like casting an imperius curse on him and having him under ur control.."

"NEVER..NEVER..NEVER..EVER..NEVER..she'll never treat u the way i do..

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But u'll never notice me either.."

"A year and a half of sitting in the same room..being in the same class..listening to the same teachers..laughing at the same jokes..doing the same activities..but we're  still not friends..can you tell me WHY????"

uist..bawal mo-react!..hehe..joke kng..=p

heart or mind?

this question is oftenly asked to people..which would you choose, ur heart or ur mind?..hey, this is a tough question..not a single individual can live without its heart..and think what a person would be without a mind!..

if i were to choose, i'd rather have my heart bleeding and my mind functioning well than my heart in one piece and my mind spinning..okay, was that understood?..hehe..

no, seriously..if possible, i wouldn't want to choose only one of them..we can't live without a heart and a mind bya!..how could we call ourselves humans if we don't have hearts OR minds??..we are superior than all of the other animals, and i think u know what makes us above them..we can love deeply and we can think vastly..

well, yun lng..hehe..

tc and God blz!..^_^

untitled

hey, guys!..

here's just a little something i made out of boredom..

Tell me not to cry

And give me a reason why..

'Coz it hurts so much

To live without your touch..

The pain is breaking my heart

It had been like this since the start..

How can I call you mine

When you give her all the signs?

Can't you just see

That you're everything to me?

Why do I suffer from this pain?

And act like I'm insane?

Why do you give me that stare?

Aren't you being unfair?

You look at me with anger

But you behold her as a lover..

I know I'm just nothing to you

But why do you consider me as a foe?

I can feel my hot tears

That flow behind my fear..

Fear of losing him who doesn't care..

Couldn't we give it a chance and share

The love that wasn't meant for me?

I ask you, can't we ever be?

i know, i know..the poem is terrible..hey, no one forced you to read it!..hek3..

i know what others are thinking..'inspired ka noh?'..aq?..NOPE..just made this because i was bored..and this poem is specially not for a senior guy and above all, not for any 2nd years..it isnt dedicated to anyone..(yaw namo buot..hek3..)

gee, mao rto..

God blz, pipz!..^_^

June 2008

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